Explosion of the mind. Going out of my head.

It is so weird how when you are trying to decide what to do, when you are so confused, the higher power gives you so many signs to make that decision, and yet you don't want to believe that this is the decision you want. And you come up with all sorts of excuses for yourself and for other people.

Things are so clear. But I am just too stubborn to believe it. I am stretched to tight. When I snap, it is going to hurt, and it is going to be messy.

At this point in time I just need a reason so make a decision. Whichever that decision might be.

A reason is all I need.

And when I manage to convince myself that this is what I should do, everything will be too late.

This is something I have been contemplating for a long time. And the reasons are building up. It's getting closer everyday.

I find myself preparing for the consequence of my decision. It feels like I was gonna decide already. But of course like I said, I am still waiting for a reason to do so or not.

If anything is to be done to deter me from doing what I've been thinking of, it should be done now.

~~~

I realised I am getting weaker and weaker. I shouldn't take any emotional disturbance right now. Because I will hyperventilate, my heart rate goes up and I feel like I am going to faint any moment.

The turbulence of life. Riding it out seems like an impossible notion.