Monday, 31 March 2008


When there is a painful wound, what do you do?

If it’s a snake bite you need to find out what bit you to make you heal, right?

But what if the answer to heal this wound is not what, but why?

Would you find healing in that?

Do you ignore the pain?

If you pretend long enough that it’s not there, does it go away or will the wound infest and cause more pain?

Do you depend on painkillers?

You numb the pain but as soon as the effects wears off you know the pain will hit again like a sledgehammer, doesn’t it?

Do you give yourself placeboes?

But if you know you’re getting placeboes then it’s not placeboes, isn’t it?

Do you dig your nails into your arms hoping the other pain will be insignificant against self-inflicted pain?

Do you cry the pain away? Or do you cry yourself to sleep?

Do you bear with it? And pretend you have no pain?

Does lying to other people about not feeling the pain actually stops you from feeling it?

Do you feel so much pain you wish you could rip that part of you away from your body?

What if the pain is not physical? Then how would you rip it away?

Do you wallow in self-pity because it’s that painful?

And when the wound heals, would there be a scar?

Would the scar still have an echo of the pain before?

And when the wound is healed does that mean everything goes back to normal again?

When you look back on the scar, it doesn’t hurt anymore. But the memory of the pain is just as bad, isn’t it?

The pain is unspeakable. I need to heal, now.

I saw a blister. I couldn’t let it be, so I dug, and I dug deep into it. And it turned out to be a nasty infection. It’s not gonna go away just because you said it will, or just because you’ll put a band-aid over it. It’s just gonna hurt as much ripping out the band-aid later. But I asked if you wanted bad enough for this wound to be ok. You said yes, and I gave you a chance to put the band-aid on. It still hurts, but I can’t stop it; neither can you, because infection has started. You said you feel bad for giving me the infection, I’m not sure I believe you but I’ll listen for now even after you lied about the infection you got. Until the day that my wound is healed [with a scar], I am always gonna make sure you wash your hands properly. I am always gonna make sure you don’t touch anything else to reinfect me or to start another new infection. I will be paranoid. Maybe even after I heal. We’ll see. For now I hurt. And pardon me if I scream, flail, assaulting, cry, yell, blame, scratch, fume, burst. IN A LOT OF PAIN.

There are gonna be people telling “I told you so” in my face and it’s gonna feel a lot worse.


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